?

Log in

Lee's LiveJournal [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Lee

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ archive | journal archive ]

(no subject) [Dec. 15th, 2011|05:16 am]
Lee
i'm a gigantic piece of shit.
i only manage to surprise myself more and more every day!
Link1 comment|Leave a comment

(no subject) [Dec. 13th, 2011|08:14 am]
Lee
depression returns with revengance
LinkLeave a comment

(no subject) [Dec. 10th, 2011|07:45 am]
Lee
[Mood |okayokay]
[Music |Persona 4 - SMILE]

This time last year, I was so happy. Smiling nearly all day, every day.

Now I'm just okay. Smiling occasionally.

Better than awful and crying constantly, I guess.
Link1 comment|Leave a comment

Week 51???????? [Oct. 5th, 2011|08:45 am]
Lee
[Mood |accomplishedaccomplished]

I checked to see roughly when I started eating better/working out/losing weight, and it was around the 11th/12th of October last year. So this should be about week 51 right???

Anyway, I weighed myself today and I'm at my lowest yet. 249.6! When I first started, I was at 356.6. So I've lost 107 pounds in nearly a year. Not bad, i think! If I would've applied myself more in the past 3 months or so, I would have probably lost more. I still weigh way too much. I feel like I've lost my spark in a way. Now, rather than trying to lose weight, I feel like I'm trying to stay where I am. No good! Need to push farther ahead. Harder than before, even. It's just getting more and more difficult for me. I'm caving in to things that I could just turn away from before. I don't know what exactly I need to do, but I need to do it.

The good thing about those 3 months? Rather than losing weight, I WAS still losing sizes. I'm down roughly 12 pants sizes, and 4 shirt sizes. I can't stand wearing my old clothes anymore. It's like wearing burlap sacks and bedsheets.
----
October has started. The best month! Normally, I get rather inspired this time of year. A lot of drawing or writing. I haven't started doing either yet this year, but ideas have been abundant. I really haven't drawn much at all this year. Just haven't been feeling it.

I really haven't been feeling like doing a lot of things.
Link3 comments|Leave a comment

Week ?? - yes it is [Jul. 13th, 2011|12:29 pm]
Lee
[Mood |melancholymelancholy]
[Music |The Rolling Stones - Time is on my Side]

Gosh, I haven't updated this in awhile! Nearly 3 months, wow. Well, I've only lost 11 pounds since last time. I was off the GET HEALTHY WAGON for quite awhile. Only this week have I managed to get my shit in some sort of order. Only 2 pounds away from 100 lost!!

On the other problems side of things.. I actually got my head together with that in early May. Haven't had any problems with depression or any negative social thoughts. I've been trying to be more outgoing towards people and I think it's doing me well. The only problem I really have is that I've got a void of sorts now. And I think I started to fill it with food unconsciously. So now that I'm stopping that, I can only wonder what will be next! ha ha.

Oh, and there's the whole image issue thing. I can't help but see myself as really ugly for some reason. I've actually been getting some compliments (some from strangers, even!) but I still feel.. well, hideous. And I don't know what to do about it other than to tell myself "no bro, ur handsome". Maybe it'll pass if I just lose more weight?

I didn't post about it anywhere really, but in early May i did something to my knee. Went to the doctor and was in and out of physical therapy for a month and a half. And all I've got to show for it is a $2,500 bill. My knee is still bothering me but not on a level that I think requires surgery. We'll see where that one goes..

The original plan to go to Disney World at the end of the year has been canceled. We just can't save enough money, and we feel the money would be better spent on a car for me. And on that note too, we're also talking about moving out of here and going separate ways. Living by myself will certainly be interesting.
LinkLeave a comment

Writer's Block: Beep, Bop, Boop [Apr. 23rd, 2011|07:58 am]
Lee
[Tags|]
[Mood |blankblank]
[Music |Janis Joplin - Move Over]

What was the first video or computer game you ever played? Did you love it or hate it, and why?
Pac-Man

I loved it. It was colorful, and easy to play at the young age of 3.
LinkLeave a comment

Week 27 - huh.. [Apr. 20th, 2011|11:28 pm]
Lee
[Mood |discontentdiscontent]
[Music |The Beatles - Something]

-2. Kinda surprised me but I'm relieved.

unrelated, it's been 2 months since then. i should stop being a fool.

i miss being happy. but then i think.. did i ever know happiness to begin with? maybe happiness is not knowing. not experiencing. being the fool.
LinkLeave a comment

Week 26 - Half Year Mark! [Apr. 13th, 2011|10:36 am]
Lee
[Mood |hungryhungry]
[Music |Duran Duran - Rio]

+1! Oh shiiit. Well, a nice 85 pounds for the half year mark. Not bad, i say!

So now it's crunch time, I think. Gotta figure out how to step my game up. Shouldn't be too hard, just gotta put in more effort!

I finally called the college today. The office woman spoke in a very soft and lazy voice, and didn't give too much specific information. But now that I've got the basics, I just need to figure it out for myself.

fuck, apparently I'll have to take the Compass. I don't know if I'm prepared!
LinkLeave a comment

Week 25 - フルコンボだドン! [Apr. 6th, 2011|10:59 pm]
Lee
[Mood |coldcold]
[Music |Street Fighter III Third Strike - Let's get it on]

-1. I'd like to drop 14 in the next week but that ain't happening, lol. i may be able to get 3 or 4 though. Just gotta step it up!
LinkLeave a comment

(no subject) [Apr. 5th, 2011|07:47 am]
Lee
[Mood |anxiousanxious]
[Music |Homestuck - Vagabounce]

i got really angry at work last night and tore apart pallet wrap with my bare hands and punched some jars of pasta sauce a few times. and then i started breaking down the pallet at unsafe speeds in unsafe ways. and then i was hyperventilating.

herp de derp. still have my job somehow. we'll see tomorrow.

i feel alright now though. 3 or so months of frustration out the window.
LinkLeave a comment

(no subject) [Apr. 4th, 2011|09:42 pm]
Lee
[Mood |melancholymelancholy]

still feeling.

this is stupid.
LinkLeave a comment

(no subject) [Apr. 1st, 2011|09:00 pm]
Lee
[Mood |melancholymelancholy]

i suppose i just don't know how to take a hint. never been much of a guesser. this blows.

I had a lot of dreams last night. Three of them resulted in me being involved with a car crash, forcing me to wake up.

I don't like that.

atleast i wasn't the one driving in two of the three.
LinkLeave a comment

Week 24 - 6 months [Mar. 31st, 2011|04:18 am]
Lee
[Mood |aggravatedaggravated]
[Music |Blue Oyster Cult - Transmaniacon MC]

Whoops. Forgot to update yesterday. -2! I wanna try and lose 15 in the next 2 weeks but I doubt that'll happen, lol.

I started working against my decision, which I think was a mistake. So.. I'm going back to that. Hopefully I can stick with it this time!
LinkLeave a comment

(no subject) [Mar. 29th, 2011|01:25 pm]
Lee
[Mood |fullfull]
[Music |Kyoko - Katamarity]

damn, will i ever get to bed on time?

I ate a lot today, I hope I didn't gain weight.... fuuuuck.
LinkLeave a comment

(no subject) [Mar. 25th, 2011|07:23 am]
Lee
[Mood |intimidatedconcerned]

i almost died last night. Woo!

i hate driving. When I make mistakes like that I just.. don't know how to excuse myself. I mean, I almost killed at least 2 other people as well! My cousin didn't seem to care though. Just shrugged it off after a minute or two.

This will probably bother me for weeks though. How the fuck did he do it? Damn. I hate thinking. I'm tired of thinking. Thinking makes everything more difficult than it needs to be. I need to do more doing. Pinpointing all of my mistakes will get me nowhere. It just makes thinking easier to get through.

it's all so annoying.
LinkLeave a comment

Writer's Block: It must be love [Mar. 24th, 2011|04:28 am]
Lee
[Tags|]
[Mood |lonelylonely]

Do you remember your first crush? Did you ever tell that person about your feelings?
yes. 1st/2nd grade.

no. Changed schools 3rd grade. Never saw her again, as far as I know. She probably didn't even really know I existed anyway. Don't think I ever even spoke to her.

I've only ever actually told 2 people that I had a crush on them. First one didn't go well, I just got teased about it. The second one, went alright I guess. Things didn't work out, though. I was let off gently, but it still hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm still hurt by it. It wasn't the lay off, but the situation.

everyone is asleep. i want to talk. poop.
LinkLeave a comment

(no subject) [Mar. 24th, 2011|03:17 am]
Lee
[Tags|]
[Mood |discontentdiscontent]

I don't like how things have turned out. Nothing I can do now, though. Nothing I could have done before, either. Just gotta keep pushing forward.
LinkLeave a comment

Week 23 - Time may change me, but I can't trace time. [Mar. 23rd, 2011|08:34 am]
Lee
[Mood |energeticenergetic]
[Music |David Bowie - Changes]

-1. I've been feeling really good about my body. A lot of people are noticing the loss, it feels really good. It's like the first thing I've ever really felt accomplished at in my life. But really, it's something I should have been doing all along, ha ha ha.

I've been really bouncy-like hyper the past few days. Feels good man.
LinkLeave a comment

(no subject) [Mar. 20th, 2011|07:47 am]
Lee
[Mood |determineddetermined]

I made a decision last night, and I'm absolutely sticking to it.

Possibly the best decision I've ever made! :)
LinkLeave a comment

(no subject) [Mar. 18th, 2011|10:33 am]
Lee
[Mood |distresseddistressed]

My cousins' situation is really shitty and I wish there was more I could do for them.

They didn't deserve all of this shit. It's really not fair.

It makes me so fucking mad.

it makes me even madder that i try to spend all of this time trying to make myself feel better when i could be helping other people that are hurting more than i could ever know. i spoke with one of them for about 2 hours this morning. it really felt like he needed to talk, and i hope he feels better. but fuck, he has to go right back to it. i don't know what else i can do for them. i don't think they don't expect anything of me, but i want to be there for them. they're like my little brothers. but i really can't be there. it IS something they have to do for themselves.

damnit.
LinkLeave a comment

Money. (its a drag) [Mar. 17th, 2011|12:53 pm]
Lee
[Mood |nervousnervous]
[Music |Megaman Legends - Feeling of Love?]

It feels nice but weird to have money at my disposal. I spent 170 or so dollars last night and instantly replaced it. Felt really good.

Luckily I've had little to no desire to spend money. Most things I want I stop myself from buying. That $170 order was almost a $250 order. I just bought manga I was behind in that I really really love reading, and a few discount DVDs. Couldn't pass up the entirety of Speed Grapher for 25 bucks, I loved Speed Grapher! Just gotta make sure I'm up to catch the delivery now.

I also counted up all of my loose silver change. 73 Dollars. I was surprised! I thought it had been building up since October or so, but I forgot my mom cashed it in around November/December. So 3-4 months of change. Not bad!

Yesterday's Origami was.. an Owl! I went to google a picture and found a ton of fucking owls that are way cooler than the one I made. Mine doesn't even have wings. I need to start looking up videos for this stuff, haha! I don't know what I'll make today..

Not really feeling so great about things. But I've just gotta

No point in getting bothered. I'll get it down one of these days.
LinkLeave a comment

Week 22 - What a Horrible Night to Have a Curse [Mar. 16th, 2011|09:50 am]
Lee
[Mood |melancholymelancholy]
[Music |Erasure - Always]

-4 again. Woo. Passed the 80 pound mark. Maybe I can hit 90 by the half year mark.

I'm working on getting stronger as a person. Monday, I called a service Wal-mart provides 'for better living' to talk with them about what I'm going through. They just listened and gave a bit of advice and insight here and there. They were really nice, and it helped me a little bit. I was surprised, I didn't think help from a stranger over the phone would do much for me. Guess I don't know as much as I'd like to, lol. It's free and 24/7 so I can always call again any time. I can even request the same person. They can also refer me to offices and stuff if I'd like that.

I've started doing origami every day to get my mind off of things. It's surprisingly helping as well.

Just gotta take things one step at a time. I'm not better, and I probably won't be for awhile. But that's okay! Because I'm working towards it! It's not an instant process. As much as I'd love for it to be. Ha ha ha.
LinkLeave a comment

(no subject) [Mar. 13th, 2011|08:32 am]
Lee
[Mood |stressedstressed]


this song makes me really sad.

it comes up on the radio a lot.

:(
Link1 comment|Leave a comment

achievement unlocked [Mar. 11th, 2011|12:08 pm]
Lee
[Mood |blankblank]
[Music |Pokemon White - Pokemon Center]

I'm Fuckin' AwesomeCollapse )



in other news, Nintendo needs to fix their fucking servers or something.
LinkLeave a comment

Week 21 - let me play among the stars [Mar. 9th, 2011|07:20 am]
Lee
[Mood |hungryhungry]
[Music |Frank Sinatra - Fly Me to the Moon]

-4. Very surprising, but good.

I took some NyQuil and went to bed around 2. I feel quite a bit better. I actually feel rested for the first time in forever.
LinkLeave a comment

navigation
[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]